Okay, so some of you might be thinking that by focusing on what is working or is right in your relationship you are ignoring the bad stuff or sugarcoating what isn’t working. Others might be thinking that this is just “New Age relationship optimism.” And some of you might already have experienced that relationships can improve merely by focusing on what’s right.

My friend Dr. Kathleen Hendricks often says, “What you focus on grows.” So if you continue focusing on criticizing your partner, you will find more and more things that are not working in your relationship. The reverse is true as well –if you decide for a day to focus on what is working in your relationship, chances are good that by the end of the day you will feel better and you and your partner will feel closer and more connected.

Try it for a day – nothing to lose – and if this little experiment doesn’t work you can go back to focusing on what isn’t working or try to improve your relationship by giving your partner “constructive feedback” (which I’ve found is code for criticizing others).

For one day, focus on all the things that are working in your relationship! What do you like about your partner? What are some of the things your partner does that make your life happier, joyful, and easier? What are some of the qualities you love about your partner and would miss if he/she didn’t express those anymore?

You are welcome to share what is working in your relationship out loud with your partner or you can chose to do this experiment silently. I do recommend that if you adopt this relationship outlook for the long run, past the one-day experiment, that you start sharing about what works with your partner. However, for the one-day experiment you can choose to do this silently and it will still work.

Focusing on what is working in your relationship will first and foremost make you feel better (try it for yourself – do the one-day experiment) and also improve your communication with your partner.

I’d love to hear your experience with the one day experiment and invite you to share by commenting below.

Wow how time flies. It seems just like yesterday that my dad came home from the hospital with a Polaroid picture beaming with pride and announcing, “this is your baby brother!” My mother tells the story that I was obviously disappointed when I saw the tiny baby on the picture.  I guess to a 4 year old, who was anticipating the arrival of a full-grown playmate; being presented with a tiny bundle of baby brother instead was upsetting. 30 years later I was bursting with excitement and anticipation – this time to surprise my brother for his Birthday.

I also welcome the opportunity to spend 2 days with my family. Living in California sure has its perks and I love it, however, one of the down sides is that I don’t get to see my Swiss family very often. These days I look forward to spending time with them and enjoying their company. It hasn’t always been that way. Thankfully the last 10 years have brought me much learning, healing and growth.

Today I know that my parents did their best raising my brother and me. I was the emotional one of the family and had a big need to talk about feelings and emotions, which to them seemed like a foreign language. – Growing up, there were many interactions with my parents that I interpreted as proof that my parents didn’t love me.

On a radio interview the other day a caller asked me how to forgive her parents and to let go of past hurts so she could be more present and happy with her current partner.

I recommended, “Unhooking the Source”, a powerful tool that Drs. Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks developed that works.  It worked for me.  It works for my clients.

Unhooking the Source gives us an opportunity to leave actual or perceived hurts in the past and on a body mind level locate ourselves here in the present.  Often the past bleeds over into our current relationships and disables us from being fully present to our current partner or date. Our partner says something that we interpret in a completely different way or that triggers an old hurt or wound in us and suddenly we are filled with emotions that seem un-proportional to the given situation.  We then often hid behind masks, possibly attack our partner, which leads them to attack us and before we know it we are caught yet in another major relationship conflict. To end this vicious cycle I invite you to right now:

1. Take a deep breath.
2. Think of an even or issue that occurred in your childhood or even just a few years back.
3. Then look around your room and located the direction that represents the past.
4. With one hand point in that direction and say out loud “That was then”
5. Then turn away from the past
6. Place your other hand on your chest and say “And this is now”

Repeat step 3-6 a few times until you notice a shift in your body, i.e. you take a deep breath, you notice yourself relax, etc. Every time make sure that you use different hands to point toward the past and to identify the present moment by placing your hand on your chest.  Also play with pronouncing different words with a different emphasis. If you notice some anger, say certain words louder.  Remember you are releasing the past and with it unhooking the charge and the hold that the past has on you in the present.

Unhooking the source is a powerful tool to support you in forgiving your parents, differentiation from them or unhooking from any other hurts from the past and allow yourself to enjoy relationships in the present.

My stay with my family in Vancouver and my brother’s birthday surprise were perfect.  I savior the memories we made sightseeing together, laughing together, and sharing in yet another very special moment – being able to be present to them with love.

So in this month’s Pay It Forward I’m excited to highlight how tiny loans can create big dreams with Lending promise.

Lending Promise gives microcredit – tiny loans – to mothers in the world’s poorest villages. The money enriches the futures of their children and ultimately, their broader communities.

Lending Promise gives small loans to women who are too poor to qualify for a bank loan, whose household income is about 50 cents per day. With the loans, they can buy resources to start businesses – whether it’s animals for a farm, seeds for crops, fabric for handicrafts or training to become a tourist guide. Lending Promise also provides literacy training and small business counseling to ensure that the women have the tools they need to be successful. The women’s new found self-sufficiency allows them to carve out a better life for themselves and much better futures for their children.

To find out more about Lending Promise and support them CLICK HERE

Join us at 4 p.m. PST / 7 p.m. EST to hear all about Shelby’s newly released book. Click Here to listen.

Come hear Shelby share about how women can break out of “complicated” relationships with men and regain their self-esteem, personal value and make healthy decisions about their present and future relationships with men.

Be among the first to hear about “She says it’s complicated”  - a book filled with great exercises, tips, check-lists, personal stories and the down-to-earth truth.

Join us on this week’s “The Shelby Show”

Debra Berndt is the World’s #1 Love Mind Expert and host of The Love Mind Show which airs Wednesdays at 4:00pm EST. Debra is the author of “Let Love In: Open Your Heart and Mind to Attract Your Ideal Partner” (Wiley). Debra interviews dating and relationship experts about being single and their advice on how to attract true love.

Join us for an hour of honest, candid conversation on how to attract your life partner and create the relationship you truly want in your life. This Wednesday at 1 p.m. PST / 4 p.m. EST. Join us on air by Clicking Here.

Just like a great pair of red heels transforms ordinary style into stunning… So can one new thought transform your life! She Speaks To Inspire is a gathering place where women share the stories of their trials and triumphs, ask the hard questions and brainstorm for solutions. The casual conversation ignites new hopes and dreams, and celebrates victories! Featured guests are just like you; beautiful women becoming more beautiful, more confident and more joyful every day. You’ll want to hang out with these girls!

Join us on the show and hear me speak and share insights about how you can attract, create & live in Real Relationship.

Monday, April 12 at 3 p.m. PST / 5 p.m. CST Join us by Clicking Here

An easy way to find out what you are committed to is by looking at the results you are producing in your life. If you’d like to be in a relationship and you are single – your unconscious commitment is to being single. If you’d like honest communication with your partner yet the two of you keep recycling the same old issues and bickering – then your unconscious commitment is to fighting.

Looking at the results you are producing in your life is not intended as fuel to beat yourself up or criticize yourself for “still being single” or “still not figuring out how to communicate lovingly”. Becoming aware of your unconscious commitments is a great way to get a handle on the territory you are in and the route ahead. If you are sailing to South America for example, you need to first locate your current location so that you can navigate the easiest way to get there. What good does it do you to pretend that you are somewhere completely different and from there try to find a route to South America – you’ll never get to where you want to go.

Facing into and lovingly accepting your current unconscious commitments gives you an opportunity to create a new course to get you where you want to go.

My friends Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks offer a powerful new commitment in their book, “Lasting Love” that I suggest you embrace. They state, “I commit to learning from all my interactions and from the results of my actions”.

Wow, that’s a powerful statement and immediately puts you into the seat of taking back the power vs. being a victim and at the mercy of others or circumstances.

By seeing every interaction with your partner, loved ones, and family members as a learning opportunity you do not need to blame them or yourself for any situation. You get to see the interaction as an opportunity to shed light on something that so far has been hidden to you.  Embracing this new commitment also gives you an opportunity to discover how you want your interactions with loved ones to be and what your relationship destination is. By seeing every interaction as an opportunity for learning you always know where you are and can more easily adjust your route, getting you back on track to South America – or wherever you want to go in your relationship.

I’d love to hear about your experiences in embracing this new commitment and invite you to post your thoughts and ideas below.

Falling into either habit is a fatal error and based on a big fat myth. The truth is, we don’t stop becoming attracted to and having sexual feelings for other people just because we are in relationship. For some the question becomes whether or not they will act on those attractions. If we decide not to act on this attraction to another most people will stop there and never utter a word about it to their partner.

We lie about or hide outside sexual attraction from our partners out of fear, worry and concern. We worry about what our partner will think, say, or do if we share that we have sexual feelings/attraction toward someone else. We don’t want to rock the boat because we are worried it will open Pandora’s Box. However, with all of these reasons – and trust me each one of the reasons you can come up with does appear very sound – we are withholding information from our partner, which over time creates roadblocks in our relationship and can even lead to putting a wall up between yourself and your partner.

“Honesty is the best Aphrodisiac,” is one of my favorite statements and I’ve often heard my friend and mentor Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks utter during her Conscious Relationship training sessions.

So how do we share authentically and lovingly about the feelings we have with our partner. For some, sharing that they feel sad, angry, scared, or happy might bring up some discomfort, but most of us will agree that it’s o.k. to talk about these feelings. However, when it comes to sexual feelings we have a big huge taboo. Why is that? Is it because you were told not to talk about sex and sexual feelings? Or is it because you’d rather believe that your partner doesn’t have those feelings for another person once they are committed to you? Or have you never been taught how to share your feelings, especially sexual feelings.

I recommend that before you and your partner talk about sexual feelings with each other that you have an agreement amongst yourselves to be allies and to have your relationship be a catalyst for growth, intimacy, and authenticity. With a strong foundation between the two of you it is much easier to talk about things that might at first appear difficult to discuss.

By sharing honestly about all your feelings with your partner you don’t have to hide any of them and can instead channel the freed up energy back into your relationship and back into cultivating passion, intimacy, and spicing things up with your partner.

For more information on how to authentically share your feelings—particularly sexual feelings for others—with your partner tune in to this week’s “The Shelby Show” on Tuesday 3/ 30 at 4 p.m. PST / 7 p.m. EST. Click Here to listen to the show.

Come join us as we talk about What Your Dog Can Teach You About True Love! CLICK HERE to register for this free call

Come hear Sheryl share her tips and insights on how to let go of the leashes and let love in. Register for this dynamic fun call on Wednesday March 24 at 1 p.m. PST/4 p.m. EST by CLICKING HERE

At times when you have been feeling down and frustrated about being single it is difficult to connect with someone when you are out and about. It is as if you exude an energetic vibe that makes it hard for other people to connect with you. Then you start believing that you will never meet someone and that no one is interested in you and it becomes a vicious cycle that seems to confirm your believe that “there are no good singles left in the world”.

Take a deep breath! Fact is; there are a lot of wonderful eligible singles out there and the truth is you just have to meet one.

Before you go out this evening or this weekend connect with your Higher Self, that part of you that feels confident, happy, attractive, joyful and knows how to talk to any one especially your potential partner.

Take a moment right now to connect with that part of you:

• Take a deep breath
• Connect with the part of you that feels happy & content
• Where in your body do you feel happy & content
• Focus on that area, take a few deep breaths, enjoy the feeling of happiness and contentment
• Then connect with the part of you that feels confident
• Where in your body do you feel confident
• Focus on that area, take a few deep breaths, enjoy the feeling of confidence

Next time before you leave your house even if it is only to walk to your mailbox or go grocery shopping, take a few moments to connect with your Higher Self. Walk through the world confident, happy, content and feeling attractive.  Notice the difference in how you experience the world and how people approach you.

I would love to hear how you experience people and the world from your Higher Self and invite you to share with me by posting your comments here.